God is everywhere. He really is. We know that He is omnipresent- the Bible tells us this. But what about the times when we can't feel Him with us? What about the times when we feel alone, hopeless, and afraid? Apparently, every human experiences these feelings at some point, but that's the thing about loneliness- we still feel like we are the only person who has ever felt this way. My preacher told me recently, "I hate to tell you this, but when it comes to your feelings you aren't special." We all feel bad at some point.
That's where I've been lately. Down. Depressed. Afraid. Lonely. Hopeless. Last May, we had major fire where my dad barely made it out, was burned, and we didn't think he would survive the ambulance ride to the hospital because he only had one of two batteries that pumped his heart. It was the home I grew up in and loved so much. It was traumatic to say the least. Dad wasn't the same after that, and he passed away a month later. Add that in to many childhood traumas that were never dealt with, and I'm all of a sudden a huge mess. My heart condition flared up a few months ago and that was the straw that broke the camels back. My heart has caused me to not be able to sleep (waking up with heart issues), not be able to work much, and so much more fear. Panic attacks suck. Anxiety sucks. Lack of sleep sucks. Grief sucks. Health issues suck. I'm just going through one of those "seasons" right now.
With Caleb's job I'm alone... a lot. Today was another day I was alone physically and emotionally. I had been up all night, was disappointed in myself, and was afraid. I was starting to think that this is just going to be my life now, and that it won't change. I guess I was having a pity party for myself. I then saw a beautiful sunset peaking through the window, so I walked out on my front porch. I watered my vegetable plants and walked to the mailbox to pick up the sale papers (I wish people still sent letters in the mail!). As I was coming up the sidewalk I saw a ton of clover in our overgrown (wayyyy overgrown!) landscaping. I thought about pulling them, but we are just that far behind that it will take a backhoe and ten buckets of round up to even make a dent in the landscaping. Instead, I squatted down and looked for a four-leaf clover. Now, if you know me, you know I can NEVER find one. I have maybe found three or four in my entire life. My mom and husband are the kind that can spot one without even trying. I'm just not that good, patient... or lucky! I figured looking for a four-leaf clover while enjoying the sunset was better than sitting alone waiting on my heart to get sick again. Then I got a little too into it. I wanted to find one so bad, as if it really meant that I would finally have some luck come my way. I don't really believe in luck, so I started to pray. I asked God if he would please show me a four-leaf clover. I asked that if everything was going to be okay and if things are going to get better that he would tell me by letting me find one. I then stopped and felt a little bad for asking that of God. Of all the big issues in the world, I'm over here sitting on my sidewalk asking God to give me a clover. I remembered that God is my father and fathers love to comfort their children. So I asked again. I told God how sad I had been. How the hope and optimism I've carried my entire life was starting to fade, and fast. How I felt broken. I told him how I missed my dad and the comfort and ease he always brought me when times got tough. I asked for my Heavenly Father to hold me like only a daddy can. And just when I was starting to give up, there it was.
I thanked God over and over and wished I could give him a big hug. Do you ever wish you could give God a hug or is that just me? I think that might be the first thing I'll do when I get to Heaven one day.
I sat on the front steps holding my four-leaf clover and tried to soak in every good thing. Everything is going to be okay and God told me so. Things are going to get better. When I went inside I opened my Bible to chapter six of Matthew. This is my favorite chapter in the whole Bible. It talks about not being afraid and how worrying doesn't do any good. I have this section tabbed, highlighted, and all kinds of markings in it. I also have a white feather stuck in the pages (that'll be another post for another day!). I put the clover right there with it, so that every time I open my Bible to Matthew six when I'm afraid, I'll remember God told me it is going to be okay.
I guess life is like finding a four-leaf clover sometimes too. For some people it just seems to come so easy, and in certain seasons of life it may be for you too. Others, you have to really- and I mean REALLY- look to find the good. If you don't take the time to seek the joys and signs of hope in life, you'll miss them. I'm so glad that God gives us nature to bring hope. He doesn't have to make the sun rising and setting a beautiful event. It could just be grey all the time like it is in the winter. He doesn't have to make flowers bright and pretty. He doesn't have to make the grass green, butterflies colorful, snowflakes unique, or the sound of a creek so peaceful. He does it because he loves us and wants to remind us that He wants the best for us. He knows we get down and caught up in the sadness of the world, so he puts a single four-leaf clover in the mix just when we need it the most.